Square one...again, again, again, and again

I can't seem to stop ending back up where I started at square one. That place makes me feel like I'm the lowest form of the living ever to have been born into the this place we know as reality. That terrible place...square one has caused me pain beyond anyone I known has ever been through, one of the people I know comes close to knowing square one. But I know that place like it has been my best friend my whole life and it has to be honest. I have known square one forever and I was first introduced to it when I was four years of age, people made fun of me all the time and that made my heart harden and my hate grow early on in my life, my first taste of humans outside my own home was evil and it made me realize that life was no walk in the park. Then my girlfriends, numbers one, two, and three made me feel a pain that forever scars my inner being. I was cheated, betrayed, hurt, abused, forgotten, abandoned. And I knew they would do it to, that they would send me to square one, that voice told me to stop before it hurt me but I never listened to it. Square one slowly and painfully make me go insane, that pain I can't take, it's too much for me to deal with. Every single time I end up in that place it gets worse, at first it just made me feel hate upon others, made me naturally violent, made me hate myself, made me lose hope. Then my fourth girlfriend came along and got me out of that place, she was perfect, still is, always will be in my eyes. One day something happened and I thought that it would be good if I left her and it turns out I was wrong, every other time I should have backed out of my relationships but this one I shouldn't of. Leaving her might of been good for her but it wasn't good for me, I should have been greedy and kept her. I regret everything I said and I want her back, and my reason is because this mistake which happens to be the biggest one I ever made just sent me back to square one. I want my perfect girl back, take back what I said that night, get out of square one. If not then send me home because I know that if I can't have the most perfect girl that no other girl will work . I was stupid and if I can't fix this mistake then I deserve what square one is gonna give me, I will return home.