A life that needs a meaning to live

I'm not one to say if what I have done were the right things or the wrong ones. I'm not to say if I am god or evil nor am I to say if I deserve things. In my eyes my life has no meaning or reason and I'm not the one to say if it does deserve a meaning to exist. I'm not sure what I was placed on this world for, sometimes I wonder if I was evil in some past life because my life how it is now is not well...It never really was well in the first place. Maybe it was my own fault the way things are for me, I've lied, been abused, and lost control of my will to live. All the wrongs I've done as little or big as they are all came back to strike me down when I was my weakest. I now survive with only one thing that allows me to live...Her. Who is she and why does she have the power to grant me life or death? The answer  is simple, a while back she twisted all the bad in life and made what little good things in life be the things that shined most brightly in the dark shell that used to be a humane heart. She was my savior, she saved my life, and from there on out I was all for her. I fell in love with her sooner or later and she was in love with me, we had a strong relationship, I thought it was unbreakable...I was wrong and I regret making that mistake. We separated and she went out with this other guy but they didn't work out very well. Now her and I act like we are together but we really are not, I am all for her still but I don't know if shes all for me completely. I trust her but all these other guys are not really helping me keep thinking she's mine completely. She has my life in her hands and I hope that she doesn't ditch it and let it die. I hope that things will work out but I fear the worse everyday and she doesn't know it but I feel like nothing...I don't deserve to live unless I have her. I wish I could call her my girlfriend once more, I wish everything was good, I wish she knew that I really can't live without her...She's my whole meaning to live.

Sometimes

I wish someone would just end my life for me.

Through all gates of all types

Hells gate, Heavens gate, Deaths gate...Limbos gate. I have gone through everything except the one thing I'm planning on doing in the next few years. I'm going through the gate of war, it's my time to serve this nation but I can't remember what I'm fighing for anymore. All of the people I met here all seem to rip me apart and use me like I'm just a puppet. People don't care about me very much and oddly I don't care about anyone but really myself anymore. So they fucked me up pretty good and I think I'm just gonna go, it's quite obvious I'm not welcome here. I'm not fighting for anyone, not for my country, not for the hell of it, I'm fighting to forget and move on. Maybe when I go out to fight I will make real friends that don't fuck me up. I can't wait to get out of this hell hole they call a civilized nation.

I'm not going to college with anyone I think I have pretty much descided and I'm joining up as soon as I get out. I'm not gonna tell anyone I'm leaving and I hope they all end up hating me because I don't care anymore really. I'm not gonna be there for my angel, I can't take care of anything but myself...I don't want to deal with others anymore because they always seem to break me like I'm just an old toy then they just toss me away. The people I'm gonna leave behind should be fine without me and they will all forget sooner or later. I have hope and I hope to get out of here as soon as I can so I can do what I have been doing every life I lived.

I'm sorry angel but I think it's just not worth it being here anymore because what do I really have? Don't have anything but me and you as a FRIEND. And I'm not gonna deal with you being there with another guy so fuck that shit I'm out. Btw I loved your blog you posted, it made me feel great knowing that you did this for yourself. You made me snap finally so now I don't need anyone just a gun and ammo. I love you but I don't think you love me the same way back anymore.

Have fun getting married to someone that isnt me and I'm gonna kill some guys for you in your name, I hope the people I kill have families ^___^ BYE BYE!!!

The voices

Why do you even try anymore? I mean you can't seem to do one thing right, everyone hates you and betrays you, you should end it before you screw up more.

Get your revenge and show them that they should have been better, they are evil, give them a taste of what they have done to you.

Give yourself a chance, your still young, you can turn your life around, one day things will clear up so don't lose hope.

They hate you and you should hate them right back, they are the enemy so why don't you treat them as such, give them hell.

If you can't be a family man then go out and make an actual difference, fight for what's right and protect your homeland so maybe then you will be loved.

I tell you these things are gonna happen yet you still go with it like they are actually going to work, listen to me for once and get your damn head out of the clouds, deal with your damn problems.

They never cared, I mean why would they, look at them, they all left you one way or another...you just were not ever meant to be loved.

Why can't I just live normally and not have this curse that makes me go crazy, this love thing is just so tiring, I wish I could make it all just go away.

I can't stop the fear, sorrow, anger, hate, insanity, pain, or any of those damn emotions. Wish those feelings would just stop.

I wonder, question, think, understand, go too far, lose control, and continue to think...and think...and think.

Stop thinking and understand this, you only have two choices, love or hate, life or death, peace or war, victory or defeat.

Which one?

Or is that choice not up to you?

Can you even say you control your own mind?

Are you a slave of life or are you just controlled by people that seek to control you?

Only you can control your destiny, only you can make yourself happy, you want to feel loved then get out there and get a girl that loves you.

Then again maybe your just condemned to repeat this history of defeats, maybe your just not to be loved.

Well are you gonna listen to me or are you gonna listen to you...then again I am you.

-Voices in my mind

Final words

With recent events I will not make anymore blogs so goodbye and fear the future, I will actually leave you with one last blog.

Square one...again, again, again, and again

I can't seem to stop ending back up where I started at square one. That place makes me feel like I'm the lowest form of the living ever to have been born into the this place we know as reality. That terrible place...square one has caused me pain beyond anyone I known has ever been through, one of the people I know comes close to knowing square one. But I know that place like it has been my best friend my whole life and it has to be honest. I have known square one forever and I was first introduced to it when I was four years of age, people made fun of me all the time and that made my heart harden and my hate grow early on in my life, my first taste of humans outside my own home was evil and it made me realize that life was no walk in the park. Then my girlfriends, numbers one, two, and three made me feel a pain that forever scars my inner being. I was cheated, betrayed, hurt, abused, forgotten, abandoned. And I knew they would do it to, that they would send me to square one, that voice told me to stop before it hurt me but I never listened to it. Square one slowly and painfully make me go insane, that pain I can't take, it's too much for me to deal with. Every single time I end up in that place it gets worse, at first it just made me feel hate upon others, made me naturally violent, made me hate myself, made me lose hope. Then my fourth girlfriend came along and got me out of that place, she was perfect, still is, always will be in my eyes. One day something happened and I thought that it would be good if I left her and it turns out I was wrong, every other time I should have backed out of my relationships but this one I shouldn't of. Leaving her might of been good for her but it wasn't good for me, I should have been greedy and kept her. I regret everything I said and I want her back, and my reason is because this mistake which happens to be the biggest one I ever made just sent me back to square one. I want my perfect girl back, take back what I said that night, get out of square one. If not then send me home because I know that if I can't have the most perfect girl that no other girl will work . I was stupid and if I can't fix this mistake then I deserve what square one is gonna give me, I will return home.

Hate and Hope

Two things that rule over how I work as a person. I am mainly very hateful of all people and I still do kinda, and then there is hope which is like a small fire in my heart that burns to keep me from losing myself. I hope that  angel keeps her promises and will go out with me in the future, I feel like I deserve that, I mean I did nothing wrong so it's not like I don't deserve it. And I hope me and my one friend here can work until I see angel again and when she goes out with me again...I hope. Because I really want angel, I want to marry her, have a life with her, family, all that. Only thing I hate is that Screamo guy aka my damn nemesis, as good as he might be he will have to fight me to have angel forever because I called her first. So bring it Screamo, try beating me, you have no chance, I was born to fight, you were born to play music...you do the math you fuckin rat.