A nightmare, a war, and a love

I created a nightmare for myself out of all the terrible things that i have gone through and all the things that are dark in nature. I have twisted these things inside me into something that is trying to kill me and has been trying to kill me for a while now. It's in me, in my head, it's me but it's not me, it's a nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. I do battle with this thing inside me everyday and all night, it prowls my dreams and attacks my will to live, and many other things. I fire my guns at it and it fires its guns back at me, his shots land on me perfectly while my shots fall upon myself and the love of my life. The only way to help me is by one of two ways, somehow getting the nightmare out of me or ending myself. I'm trying to fight it as of now but I actually saw what it looked like. I'm kinda scared of it but it's only a bad dream...that's trying to kill me. It looks like me, bloody, eyes sunken in and white like a dead mans eyes, it screams in pain, sorrow, and anger, it holds a gun that is pointed at me, it's all black and white too. I hope I can kill it before it kills me...

For whom I will always love

My angel whom I love more than anything on this bloody rock we call our world. She is something I can look forward to in life and she is in fact the number one thing in my life. We have known each other for over a year and we still seem to be going strong without any signs of things going down. She has always been good to me and I love her so much, more than everything there is in this reality. She my aurora that lights up the dark skies and guides me out of the frozen wastes of the perils that I go through in this life. She's so beautiful, loving, sweet, kind, caring, awesome, etc, etc, etc. I can't help but to love her and I'm so happy she loves me back. I promised her that I would marry her and I'm gonna keep that promise. No matter what I will never leave her or betray her like others have done because what does that make me, and besides she's perfect...and why leave someone who's perfect and who you love. I'm gonna be with her forever and ever, to love, hold, hug, kiss, protect, make love to, marry, live, and die with. And when we die we will live out an eternity together in peace, a place that evil can't touch, where war can't be waged, where only life, love, peace, and all the other good things exist. Never stray to far from me my angel. This blog is for whom I will always love.

A life that needs a meaning to live

I'm not one to say if what I have done were the right things or the wrong ones. I'm not to say if I am god or evil nor am I to say if I deserve things. In my eyes my life has no meaning or reason and I'm not the one to say if it does deserve a meaning to exist. I'm not sure what I was placed on this world for, sometimes I wonder if I was evil in some past life because my life how it is now is not well...It never really was well in the first place. Maybe it was my own fault the way things are for me, I've lied, been abused, and lost control of my will to live. All the wrongs I've done as little or big as they are all came back to strike me down when I was my weakest. I now survive with only one thing that allows me to live...Her. Who is she and why does she have the power to grant me life or death? The answer  is simple, a while back she twisted all the bad in life and made what little good things in life be the things that shined most brightly in the dark shell that used to be a humane heart. She was my savior, she saved my life, and from there on out I was all for her. I fell in love with her sooner or later and she was in love with me, we had a strong relationship, I thought it was unbreakable...I was wrong and I regret making that mistake. We separated and she went out with this other guy but they didn't work out very well. Now her and I act like we are together but we really are not, I am all for her still but I don't know if shes all for me completely. I trust her but all these other guys are not really helping me keep thinking she's mine completely. She has my life in her hands and I hope that she doesn't ditch it and let it die. I hope that things will work out but I fear the worse everyday and she doesn't know it but I feel like nothing...I don't deserve to live unless I have her. I wish I could call her my girlfriend once more, I wish everything was good, I wish she knew that I really can't live without her...She's my whole meaning to live.

Sometimes

I wish someone would just end my life for me.

Through all gates of all types

Hells gate, Heavens gate, Deaths gate...Limbos gate. I have gone through everything except the one thing I'm planning on doing in the next few years. I'm going through the gate of war, it's my time to serve this nation but I can't remember what I'm fighing for anymore. All of the people I met here all seem to rip me apart and use me like I'm just a puppet. People don't care about me very much and oddly I don't care about anyone but really myself anymore. So they fucked me up pretty good and I think I'm just gonna go, it's quite obvious I'm not welcome here. I'm not fighting for anyone, not for my country, not for the hell of it, I'm fighting to forget and move on. Maybe when I go out to fight I will make real friends that don't fuck me up. I can't wait to get out of this hell hole they call a civilized nation.

I'm not going to college with anyone I think I have pretty much descided and I'm joining up as soon as I get out. I'm not gonna tell anyone I'm leaving and I hope they all end up hating me because I don't care anymore really. I'm not gonna be there for my angel, I can't take care of anything but myself...I don't want to deal with others anymore because they always seem to break me like I'm just an old toy then they just toss me away. The people I'm gonna leave behind should be fine without me and they will all forget sooner or later. I have hope and I hope to get out of here as soon as I can so I can do what I have been doing every life I lived.

I'm sorry angel but I think it's just not worth it being here anymore because what do I really have? Don't have anything but me and you as a FRIEND. And I'm not gonna deal with you being there with another guy so fuck that shit I'm out. Btw I loved your blog you posted, it made me feel great knowing that you did this for yourself. You made me snap finally so now I don't need anyone just a gun and ammo. I love you but I don't think you love me the same way back anymore.

Have fun getting married to someone that isnt me and I'm gonna kill some guys for you in your name, I hope the people I kill have families ^___^ BYE BYE!!!

The voices

Why do you even try anymore? I mean you can't seem to do one thing right, everyone hates you and betrays you, you should end it before you screw up more.

Get your revenge and show them that they should have been better, they are evil, give them a taste of what they have done to you.

Give yourself a chance, your still young, you can turn your life around, one day things will clear up so don't lose hope.

They hate you and you should hate them right back, they are the enemy so why don't you treat them as such, give them hell.

If you can't be a family man then go out and make an actual difference, fight for what's right and protect your homeland so maybe then you will be loved.

I tell you these things are gonna happen yet you still go with it like they are actually going to work, listen to me for once and get your damn head out of the clouds, deal with your damn problems.

They never cared, I mean why would they, look at them, they all left you one way or another...you just were not ever meant to be loved.

Why can't I just live normally and not have this curse that makes me go crazy, this love thing is just so tiring, I wish I could make it all just go away.

I can't stop the fear, sorrow, anger, hate, insanity, pain, or any of those damn emotions. Wish those feelings would just stop.

I wonder, question, think, understand, go too far, lose control, and continue to think...and think...and think.

Stop thinking and understand this, you only have two choices, love or hate, life or death, peace or war, victory or defeat.

Which one?

Or is that choice not up to you?

Can you even say you control your own mind?

Are you a slave of life or are you just controlled by people that seek to control you?

Only you can control your destiny, only you can make yourself happy, you want to feel loved then get out there and get a girl that loves you.

Then again maybe your just condemned to repeat this history of defeats, maybe your just not to be loved.

Well are you gonna listen to me or are you gonna listen to you...then again I am you.

-Voices in my mind

Final words

With recent events I will not make anymore blogs so goodbye and fear the future, I will actually leave you with one last blog.