A nightmare, a war, and a love

I created a nightmare for myself out of all the terrible things that i have gone through and all the things that are dark in nature. I have twisted these things inside me into something that is trying to kill me and has been trying to kill me for a while now. It's in me, in my head, it's me but it's not me, it's a nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. I do battle with this thing inside me everyday and all night, it prowls my dreams and attacks my will to live, and many other things. I fire my guns at it and it fires its guns back at me, his shots land on me perfectly while my shots fall upon myself and the love of my life. The only way to help me is by one of two ways, somehow getting the nightmare out of me or ending myself. I'm trying to fight it as of now but I actually saw what it looked like. I'm kinda scared of it but it's only a bad dream...that's trying to kill me. It looks like me, bloody, eyes sunken in and white like a dead mans eyes, it screams in pain, sorrow, and anger, it holds a gun that is pointed at me, it's all black and white too. I hope I can kill it before it kills me...

For whom I will always love

My angel whom I love more than anything on this bloody rock we call our world. She is something I can look forward to in life and she is in fact the number one thing in my life. We have known each other for over a year and we still seem to be going strong without any signs of things going down. She has always been good to me and I love her so much, more than everything there is in this reality. She my aurora that lights up the dark skies and guides me out of the frozen wastes of the perils that I go through in this life. She's so beautiful, loving, sweet, kind, caring, awesome, etc, etc, etc. I can't help but to love her and I'm so happy she loves me back. I promised her that I would marry her and I'm gonna keep that promise. No matter what I will never leave her or betray her like others have done because what does that make me, and besides she's perfect...and why leave someone who's perfect and who you love. I'm gonna be with her forever and ever, to love, hold, hug, kiss, protect, make love to, marry, live, and die with. And when we die we will live out an eternity together in peace, a place that evil can't touch, where war can't be waged, where only life, love, peace, and all the other good things exist. Never stray to far from me my angel. This blog is for whom I will always love.

A life that needs a meaning to live

I'm not one to say if what I have done were the right things or the wrong ones. I'm not to say if I am god or evil nor am I to say if I deserve things. In my eyes my life has no meaning or reason and I'm not the one to say if it does deserve a meaning to exist. I'm not sure what I was placed on this world for, sometimes I wonder if I was evil in some past life because my life how it is now is not well...It never really was well in the first place. Maybe it was my own fault the way things are for me, I've lied, been abused, and lost control of my will to live. All the wrongs I've done as little or big as they are all came back to strike me down when I was my weakest. I now survive with only one thing that allows me to live...Her. Who is she and why does she have the power to grant me life or death? The answer  is simple, a while back she twisted all the bad in life and made what little good things in life be the things that shined most brightly in the dark shell that used to be a humane heart. She was my savior, she saved my life, and from there on out I was all for her. I fell in love with her sooner or later and she was in love with me, we had a strong relationship, I thought it was unbreakable...I was wrong and I regret making that mistake. We separated and she went out with this other guy but they didn't work out very well. Now her and I act like we are together but we really are not, I am all for her still but I don't know if shes all for me completely. I trust her but all these other guys are not really helping me keep thinking she's mine completely. She has my life in her hands and I hope that she doesn't ditch it and let it die. I hope that things will work out but I fear the worse everyday and she doesn't know it but I feel like nothing...I don't deserve to live unless I have her. I wish I could call her my girlfriend once more, I wish everything was good, I wish she knew that I really can't live without her...She's my whole meaning to live.